Thinking in the Now (7/4/07)

It is funny how much a difference a day or two can
make in your entire outlook on life. My entire adult life has been spent
planning on what was next. Not something as mundane as my next meal or what to
do the next day; nothing like that…

I have always focused my dreaming, thinking and
planning on mid- to long-term things: My next professional goal, my next
personal goal, my next financial goal, my next parental goal/milestone, next
car I want to drive, next large project around the house, next guitar I will
buy, where I want to live next, where I want to retire to, what kind and when
I’ll get a toy car to goof around with, future hobbies I want to take on (as
if I didn’t have enough already). These are all months, years, and decades
away from becoming a reality, but I thought about each of those things almost
as if I needed to be prepared in case there was ever a giant pop quiz sprung
on me. Because then I’d be prepared to explain all of my dreams in an
organized and thoughtful way... Ha!

I also spent time thinking about the past. I
enjoyed reminiscing on the countless pleasant memories I have from childhood,
school years, and adult life. I don’t even mind the occasional recollection of
the less pleasant ones, assuming I was able to learn from those mistakes… I
can also say that I have very few regrets. And of those few that I do have,
they don’t seem to have left any permanent damage (at least not any that I am
aware of) …

But for almost the first two weeks after finding
out that I had cancer, I stopping thinking about anything other than right
now. That is sobering: Not being able to think about anything other than
this moment that is much less than pleasant. That there may not be a future at
all for me…

That was the scariest for me, especially since so
much of my future planning involves Amy and the kids. I didn’t fear dying but
I feared that maybe I won’t be there to experience all of my family’s next
“firsts”: First ball games, kisses, heartbreaks, driving, proms, graduations,
weddings, etc… And then the flip side thought was just as bad: the idea of
them not having me there either, and having to watch other kids’ dads in the
stands or audience, a constant reminder… And probably the worst thought of
all: That if I go quick, none of my kids will probably even have a genuine
memory about me (they are only 4 and 2). These thoughts brought on my
strongest sadness and tears. They will not actually ever know me.

A few days ago, I even read in a cancer book that
cancer patients should only live “in the now”. That this is actually healthy.
My thoughts were being validated…

But after the initial shock of the news and after
our initial research on prognosis’ stats on WebMD (don’t do this… not
helpful...), I have decided that living only in the “now” is far too limiting.
It does not give hope any room to breathe. And it certainly doesn’t offer up
much chance for dreams to help carry me through to the next day on any days
where “now” may be too heavy to deal with.

While I definitely think I will be more grounded
in my daily thoughts. I will not give up the dreams of what a great future I
am going to have with my family, friends, and career.