Today has not been a good day. Eric has been restless and a bit confused for about 36 hours. Hospice says that's how it is. You'll get a few good days and then a few bad ones. Tomorrow is another chance for a good day.
So many of you have asked how the kids are doing. Amazingly enough, they are doing pretty well. We go to a support group on Tuesday nights and I have found some great resources in hospice and the Wellness House. I know some families choose not to talk about cancer until they have to but, well I come from a long line of talkers, I married a talker and we've produced three talkers of our own. Keeping Eric's illness under the rug was never really an option. We've talked about cancer with the kids from pretty early on. It's not so difficult in the beginning, you just say "Daddy's sick and the doctors are doing everything they can to help him. Don't worry, I'll let you know if things aren't going well". The difficult conversations come when Daddy's not doing well. Amanda, Chloe and I had a long conversation back in February about what happens when you die. They understood Daddy would go to heaven but figured out that if you didn't believe in God, you probably wouldn't want to go to heaven and spend eternity with him so, where did you go? Needless to say, it wasn't the first tough question I've had to answer.
Each one is at a different stage in their understanding of the situation (I suppose we're all no different). Chloe and my conversations recently have been more about the funeral and cremation. She's a visual kid and needs to see things to understand them which has brought up all kinds of questions for me about how much exposure is too much. Amanda is just starting to show her understanding of Eric's death. She held his hand this morning and said, "I don't want my Daddy to die". As hard as it is to hear, I am grateful she has started to talk and claim her time with Eric. Evan, well he may be only 3 but he is so smart. He told one of the caregivers he felt bad because he wanted to spend time with his Dad but, didn't want to bother Eric because he was so sick. Yet another difficult conversation.
I've seen them in the last week each making their own time with Eric. Some days they just sit in bed with him and watch a movie while he's asleep. Tonight they all paraded down in their bathrobes so proud to show Dad. I was worried they would find him at this stage just to painful to be around. Instead, I see them being so very sweet and gentle with him. I found Eric asleep the other day with Evan's prized blankie tucked under his arm, a token of comfort and love to be borrowed for a little while.
I think they get something we struggle with. So often when we've had visitors, it seems like what was needed to be said isn't until the very last moment. I've cleared the room many times so that someone leaving would have the privacy to say what had been on their heart for the last four days. It's not that way with the kids. I see them come in pick up Eric's hand or kiss him on the cheek, say what they want to say and then they're off. No hesitation, no screwing up of courage, they just do it. What a wonderful and amazing thing, a child's love!
Blessings and peace to you all
Amy
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