Eric is bedridden now and that comes with a whole new set of challenges. I must say the dying process is a lot like the newborn process. I remember complaining to my friend Tane (Hi Tane!) when the girls were infants about how it seemed that just when I felt like I had finally figured things out, they went and changed. Whether it was from two feedings a night to one or giving up a nap, it always felt like just when I had my bearings, things would change. She ever so gently reminded me that it wasn't about the destination but about the journey. The important thing was to enjoy the ride. I'm trying to picture myself in a convertible with my hair blowing in the breeze but right now, I find myself in a Yugo!
As we embark on this new set of changes, I've decided to trade in the Yugo for a real convertible. No, I have not found some boy toy to trade Eric in for. Shame on you and your dirty minds. I've decided to take everyone's advise and ask for help. So, I've hired an in home care company to provide round the clock care for Eric. I don't want my memories of Eric to be clouded with dirty sheets, sponge baths and bedpans. I've decided, I would rather be the wife than the sole caregiver. I sound like I'm trying to convince you all it's the right thing to do. I suppose the one I'm really trying to convince is me. There's the small fact that this will indeed just about cost the same as a convertible and, there's an unexpected amount of guilt in choosing to hire in help. I think it's because I'm taking my first step out of "the trenches". I've sat here for about 10 minutes trying to figure out what to say next and the truth is, there isn't anything.
Moving on, even in this very small way, can't help but feel a little like deserting. I know it's not, but it still feels that way. Don't get too worried about me, I spent the evening calling friends who were happy to remind me it's OK to get help and that I've done more than my wifely duty already. Tomorrow we will continue our adjustment to this new change with the addition of a new house hold member. And I, plan to enjoy my convertible ride for as long as Eric's driving.
Blessings on your own journeys
Amy
Friday, July 11, 2008
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3 comments:
Amy,
Sounds like this was a difficult decision. It's good that you can acknowledge the natural guilt that comes with making this choice.
It looks like you're also dealing with the anxiety you have about a stranger being in your home. I pray you can continue to believe that God is guiding you as you agonize over making these tough decisions.
"God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" - Hebrews 13:5b
I'm so grateful that you've decided to make your convertible big enough for the rest of us to enjoy the ride along with you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and time with the rest of us. We are all inspired by you both. God Bless.
I'm glad to hear that you decided to get some help. It can be overwhelming to have all of this responsibility on your shoulders. No one knows what you are facing but you and God and you have to make decisions based on what you feel you can handle. I'm sure you spent some time pondering and praying over what was best. Just relax and enjoy every last minute with Eric. I am still praying for all of you. Wendy
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