I think God must be crying.

It is my honor to tell you that at 10:25pm last night Eric took his final walk HOME.

Yesterday was such a long day. The kids were wildly disobedient which resulted in more than one spanking for both Evan and Amanda. At one point while I was spanking Amanda, she said "Mommy why are YOU crying?" I suppose I'd just had enough and tearfully spoke more of the truth than she wanted to hear when I said, "I don't want be spanking you. I don't want to be up here all by myself. I want Daddy to be here helping me not downstairs too sick to even wake up!" In the quiet of too much information Amanda said, "I want Daddy to sing me the mountain song." It began a conversation I will be forever grateful for. We talked about Eric's impending death and that it was now measured in one to two days.

After we all calmed down, the girls went down to Eric's room and said good-night to him. They very sweetly gave him kisses and rubbed his head and then headed off to bed. Afterward, I was able to join Eric in his room for only the second time that day. After a little while, he woke up a bit and stared right at me. He was trying to say something but his poor body would allow him even that. We were able to quiet him and I just sat there telling stories to the aide about how we met, the look on his face when we discovered we were having twins, and how I told him I was pregnant with Evan. They say your hearing is the very last thing to go. I like to think he was reminiscing with me as well.

Eric's Mom and Aunt stopped by around 10pm to visit with him. While the nurse and I were preparing his evening medicine, Donna and Barbie had a chance to sit and speak to him. I have to say, I don't think we were all in the room more than three minutes when I began to notice Eric's breathing slowing down. In the end, he took a breath and paused, took another breath paused, and took his final breath. It was so very peaceful. If you weren't paying attention, you would have missed it.

For those of you who knew Eric well, it was very important for him to have a "good death". He didn't want to be moaning or mumbling, thrashing or gasping. I am pleased to witness it was more peaceful than even I had hoped for. I found myself smiling after a while, just thinking of the party he was entering as the guest of honor.

The rest of the evening was filled with the "stuff of life" conveniently left out of the movies. It was 3:30AM before we went upstairs and moved all the kids to our/my room. I wanted to wake up with them so I could be the one to tell them what had happened. When I told Chloe and Amanda that Eric had gone to heaven Chloe simply said, "I'm so glad I got to say good-bye to Daddy".

I didn't have the funeral home come and take Eric's body until this morning. I didn't want them to wake up and him be gone. It was a difficult decision to make at 2AM but I am so glad I made the right one. In the morning each of the kids went down to see Eric. I must say it is surprising but, there is a difference in the way a person looks after the soul has left it's body. I had explained to the girls that when a soul leaves it's body, it is sort of like when you eat a banana. Once the banana is gone, all you have left is the peal, the outside. The good stuff is in the banana itself, the outside isn't much without it. I'm grateful they had that time to touch Eric's body and feel it's coolness, to see it's stillness. If I would have just taken them to the funeral home before the visitation, Eric would have been all dressed and painted up, looking like he used to and that would have been deceiving. Now they know Eric's soul is in heaven and his body, well that's at the funeral home.

I didn't want the kids to see Eric's body being moved. So we headed off to breakfast this morning and then to the flower shop to pick out flowers for their bouquet. While we were sitting and eating, it began to really rain. Amanda looked at us and said, "I think God must be crying for daddy too." My mom and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes and both said, "I was just thinking the very same thing Amanda".

I can't sign off without saying thank you to all of you out there in cyberspace who have prayed us to today. We are eternally grateful.

Blessings and peace to you all as I know you mourn and celebrate with us today. Heaven always was the very BEST option in our battle with cancer.

Amy